"all you did is talk and talk and talk! enough is enough! do you want to close the deal or not?" the man at the other end of the line was throwing a fit. everyone was a little taken aback. i gave out a little chuckle, partly amused, partly looking forward to how my boss was going to handle this man. handled he did. composed and calm. situation was defused and everyone ended the call blaming (jokingly) the lawyers for being overly diligent. here's this man-- my new boss whom i come to admire. always respectful, friendly, soft spoken with a certain quiet confidence. mind you, that's very different from where i came from where testosterones is always raging.  but my new work place seems different. at first i think they do not look the part, not the personalities that you would typically see in the industry. but without the suave pretense, the go-getting attitude is probably what gets them to where they are today. it's interesting to see two polar opposites complement each other in leading the work place. one idealist grand planner and the other, grounded executor. both have complete trust in each other. it also does not seem like there is a separation of work from play and they seem to spend all their time together. i wonder if it's due to my age lol, i am still adjusting to the new place after almost quitting in the first months but i'm glad i stayed. work is starting to get enjoyable again. :)

i was watching this kdrama twenty five twenty one and it reminds me so much of my young self. triggered by the great first love in the series, i started digging my old emails and discovered some really cringey sad emails to the certain someone once special. i did not remember writing those and was frantically double checking whether i did send those out post break up lol. i did not, thank god. i remember feeling sad but from what i wrote, it must have felt like the world was ending around me haha. i somehow ended up in this space again. they say the older you get, the faster time flies and i guess that's true. i am turning 36 and the first post i posted here was when i was 21 (holy shittt!) i was cringing as i read through the rambles i made but i guess having digital record is good as i would not have been able to remember what went through my mind when i was still a young soul. Back to the drama, i feel very related to the lead actors whom feel so much of the emotions when they are together. they supported each other through ups and downs. holding back for each other's sake and showing up for each other when necessary. the relationship was platonic but oh so sweet for most part of the series. i was so emotionally invested in the show that after the episode where they finally got together after 5 years, my heart was still fluttering when i went to sleep. my heart then breaks with them when they drifts apart after just one year when both of them start their professional lives. Fast forward many years later, the lead actress finally finds closure and looks back at her first love and thank him for the fond memories. So much feels. sometimes I do wonder how he’s doing, was I his great first love too? will the distant memories make him smile like how it makes me smile sometimes? 

29th Birthday

So I checked, the last time I blogged I was 26, and now I'm just one year shy of the big three O's. I've said it 10000 times but holy cow.. how time just flies!

When I was 26 I was still at my first job, I remember feeling miserable as hell, wishing to change my job and thinking to myself, anyone else was doing better than I was. I remember celebrating my then manager's birthday and recalled clearly what she told me, 'when you are in your twenties, time just zoomed past. one day you are 21 and next thing you know you are 29'. I remember asking her whether she were happy at where she was. It on stuck me because she seemed so assured, she said she didn't know what she wanted when she was 21 but she eventually did as she turned 29 and she was happy then. She said somehow it just came with age. And so I carried that comfort with me hoping some day it would come to me.

Fast forward today, I just celebrated my 29th birthday (which is kinda a depressing age knowing you will no longer be in your twenties no more) I sure as hell feel that time flies and definitely unsure as hell as to knowing what I want in my life. I mean, I dunno. I have come a considerably long way in my career (not technically successful but definitely not where I didn't want to be), I got a yoga diploma, I got myself a master degree, I got married and I settled down in a country I grew to love. My mom told me I should feel very contented with where I am. And trust me I wanted to, I am almost envious of people who are happy with their model lives (graduate, get a job, get married, have kids, get their lives revolve around their kids, watch kids grow, grow old yourself and just die) ok that sounded soo depressing it's almost offensive but you get the drift.

One thing about getting old is that you start to feel pressed about doing something to your life. And for me, that means spending a lot of money buying books like "find you passion" "find your inner voice" "discovering your inner self" and hoping magically I would get a lightbulb moment and everything just falls in to places. I didn't. Some of my teenage insecurities still crept around, I feel no where near where I thought I would be. As I was searching, I have also come across some articles that say PERHAPS we have been wanting too much, and that causes the unhappiness. well maybe, but i guess you also need to figure out what you really want in order not to want too much? (i'm in a serious identity melt-down")

So for this year, I want to make a wish. I wish that I would discover myself more. I wish that I find my voice amongst the noise of others, I wish that I find my passion that get me out of bed excited every morning, I wish that I would know ME better. That's, uhm.. 3 wishes but I really need to try to not feel the same way this time next year.

Events that need to be remembered

was organising my Iphone photos and I stumbled upon some photos which reminds me of some forgotten events :) So, here's some a little recordings so i would have some reference next time.

Valentine's Day, 2011

Valentine's Day 2012

There you have it :) now I can't be held responsible for forgetting events

Back to school

Just found out I can blog with iPhone woots!

Anyways, I started attending class for cfa which I failed once too many times lol. It felt great to be back in school. Wonder why'd we never feel that way when we were in school.

Boring Sunday

sucks to be stuck in the room at someone else's place, alone, wasting my precious sunday away fml.

sad truth

There’s yet another inheritance dispute in the news lately, between some mistress and the kids. It’s disputed whether the father was pressured into giving the mistress the S$7 million house.

For an outsider’s point of view, it all boils down to greed. Of course, I think the old man (who hasn’t even died for god’s sake) had consented on transferring to ownership of the house to his mistress, willingly. He would have given it to the sons too if they’d asked earlier of course. It really is sad when your loved ones care so much about your wealth when you are dying (that is, not dead yet).

Inheritance is a gift out of love from the person who’s dying who cares for you. If he cares enough for your comfort level in the financial aspect in the future when he’s dying, the least you could do for him is to let him live his remaining days peacefully.

It’s scary to imagine you might turn in to one of them in the future for the name of money because, surely, when they are young and innocent like me now (ahem), they would never imagine to cause such grievance to their loved ones. I mean, for the mistress, if you are already so old and you really love your old man so much, why bother fighting when you can spend your energy to spend the remaining days with your old man.

The children, your parents have already spent fortune raising you from scratch. Inheritance, again, is a gift. It’s your fortune your parents do not need your financial support when they’re passed their prime working age. It is a windfall when your parents have some wealth (however small amount it is) left for you.

It’s strange. It’s like, you’re given a gift but you punch the giver (who are in dying condition) right in the face because the gift is not big enough for you.

a comeback attempt.. after a major hiatus

i’m 5 working days away from leaving my current job, for good, i hope, and joining a new company. looking back, i was constantly complaining bout my work, or rather the lack of it, but towards the end, i think im beginning to appreciate my office, for its friendly less complicated (not entirely not complicated) environment. for such reason, i guess i needed this one year to get a taste of and slowly adapt myself to the ugly working world. for better of for worse, i'm beginning to grow out of my amateur state (both socially and professionally) . i begin to realise that people are not always kind, but they are not entirely bad either, things are not always going well, but there are always good things to learn from it. what i gotta do is to just keep trying and hope for the best.

to my friends who are struggling at work, hang in there :) you are my warrior heroes haha.. hope you have not given up on my blog totally :P

to M, happy start in work! keep in mind we've got each other back for better and for worse :)

saturday night in

There was this one fine day, a girl who spent her past 4 precious years doing her degree, with her fellow colls (one of them an uncle) were eating lunch at some restaurant...

uncle says: u know, i really don't believe in all those certs, what are those degrees and certs holders? the previous girl held an ACCA, so what?

the girl who spent her past 4 precious years doing her degree, under her breath, retorts: SO? like HELLO?! ppl move on la! but u're stuck here at 45 year old!

LOL okla that girl who spent some years getting her degree is me laa haha.. i think i'm getting more and more evil.

it's 1.10am now, and i'm still up working on my.. work.

i've been so living with the motion lately, most of the time, my mind just wanders off to one of those junctions. Sometimes i really do not know what am i doing. is it normal? to have so many things that you don't mind doing, some that you really hate doing but nothing practical that you really want to do?

in you i find my solace :)

omg i finally did it!

how how how??

been so long...

wooots! I'm back to the virtual world again. familiar much? haha..yes i stole that from taz la....

anyways i think i have a major update to do..

1. work hasn't been very exciting, and... nope shouldn't talk about work here.. zz

2. I am an official graduate :D:D

3. I went back to Ipoh last week, and it makes me realize how much i miss home and how much i love being fussed over by my parents:)

4. I got myself a new pair of specs. LOL! no kidding. my mom says: eat until so old then only become short sighted.

5. I spent more than 10% of my monthly pay on medical bills this month FML

6. I'll be on MC tomorrow and yes, am i glad that i got flu viral. :D

7. been procrastinating on my studies SO MUCH!

ok.. so this is it. every time i stop blogging for a while, my ability to write deteriorate. I can't make complete and cohesive sentence anymore.

hmmm.. do u wanna see me with my specs?

maybe next time heh!

Why is it so effing difficult to claim things when those things are yours in the first place? And it makes you seem like you’re begging for your money to be returned to you, EVERY FUCKING TIME.

bear with the pink background. I have been containing this recent pink fanatic in me for far too long.

My recent conversation with mom saddened me. Bonds that we would have never thought it would ever break, broke with not a single hope of mending back. Vengeance between parents and kids, brothers with sisters and relatives with relatives and generations with generations broke out like a fire in the bush.

I try to understand from my most rational and just Libran point of view, it all doesn't make sense. and i think it never will.

failed blog transformation

garrrrr this is so ugly :(

so anyways, I am stuck in somebody's house while he's happily getting his routine hair grooming now.

I am a working auntie now and work has not been satisfying at all :(. Dealing with mundane documentations every single day can really demoralise your spirits. Sometimes I looked back and tell myself, it was exactly what I wanted. A job without stress! but man! what a mistake!

Well, it's kind of comforting lol, to know that most of the people I know are complaining about their work. maybe now it's the only time when we really know that the route that we have chosen several years back might not be what we wanted after all.

I remember when I was little, when I still think very very mighty highly of myself, I would imagine myself in some sexy professional work wear, sitting in an office(instead of cubicles) immersing myself in work and have a great social life while earning enough to buy a house for myself by the age of 30. LOL. not really happening right? it's time for a backup plan.

depressing thoughts a side, guilty thoughts have been eating my conscience alive. I've been spending wayyyy too much lately. So much so that every time I buy something I have to hide inside my bag so that my scary sister don't interrogate me and release my conscience eating guilt to bury me alive. zz. and the worst thing is, my job doesn't really require me to dress up. LOL. damn. why is reality so much different from imaginations?

so yea, I'm officially left with nothing in my account and 100 dollars in my wallet until my next pay comes in 2 weeks time. If you love me, please make me stop.

next up, hmm, updates of my whereabouts?

1. have I not updated about my Bali short trip? it was a nice getaway, minus off the scalding hot sun, the pushy hawkers, and the dirty side of the beach. haha. yea so what are we left with? ah!! fuck cannot upload pictures!!! what have I done to my blogger.

haih. I will salvage this and come back to finish this post. DAMN!

1st day of work

There's really a reason why people call them killer heels. It hurt so much that you literally can't walk.

And yea, that's my impression of my 1^st day of work. Pain kills memory too.

As promised to bunny, I have to give an update before I start work so that she won't feel so bored at home. Bali was good, it's always good to take a break from the bustles, or rather, haha the lack of it, and bask in the sun of some ulu ground on the other side of the map. Am I even making sense? Nvm.. I want to post some pictures, but haih, I've wanted to change this blogskin for so long, it doesn't allow pictures on it. So anyways, just stick with this emo page until I finally am not so lazy.

So, tomorrow is the first day of work. I haven't really had the mood to work yet, I figured it must be the lack of tools I have for work. And the very tight budget that I have doesn't help too L

Here's the list of the very urgent stuffs I need to get.

1. Skincare, must remember to ask my sister to order before she leaves for home.
   
2. Belt, most of my bottoms are too loose, thanks to my very skinny frame.
   
3. A tumbler, been wanting to get that starbucks tumbler but am just too giam siap.
   
4. Shoes, I really can't wear that 3.5 inches to work.
   
5. And something I haven't been eating for months, or even years, breakfast.
   
6. Pencil skirt, every sexy OL needs one of those right? And it's so damn frustrating u can't get it anywhere, not to mention that tailored skirts that had gone to waste. GARRRR. I know this is a shopping list but I really want to vent it out, how effing difficult it is to tailor sth at least a little bit similar to what is shown on picture?? Stupid tailors.
   

Well, that's all, wish me luck bunny, and to my favorite mermaid, I love you. *big public confession* :P

The road not taken

Yet, another call again. but this time, I turned them down. Not because I've already found a job that I want, but because till I find out what I want, I don't want to jump into anything again. last week, a job offer called, presenting me with a much better package in terms of paycheck. It didn't take much for me to brush it off, myself, my sister and my mother. I remembered how much I hated it when I was doing similar things some years back. But then after a few days, it hit me again, do I really not want that? Or I was just being afraid?

I read a lot lately about the importance of finding your passion in life. I watched Grey's Anatomy where people there are so in love with what they do. I talked to mer bout it and he said most real life people are like me the lost sheep who don't really know what they want, even when some appear to, even when some thought they do.

There's something a doctor said in the drama, 'so what if you don't know how you want to live your life. nobody does, and not everybody gets the chance. You have a life, and so GO live your life.'

I tried to imagine life 5 years later because they say when you don't know, just LOOK into the future. The thing is, what if u lose your ability to even imagine what you want to do?

The only comfort is, at least I don't see myself hating that job that I have accepted to guts. Well, not yet.

One last question, is that really so important?

Sorry for the rambling, I am in a deep state of confusion.

 

 

There's just so much we can do and don't do if we have the money, like that 400 dollars dress, it only takes a swipe of a card.

You might have known, I finally got my first offer at the 10th try. I've been really embarrassed by the fact that I had to go through so many interviews to get an offer which, is not that spectacular. But today I woke up feeling some sense of determination and pride. LOL. For all my life, I have always been the one who gives up easily, this time, I think I have broken some records. I got it and I will go get summore.

Has there ever been a day lately that I am truly happy? It's extremely quiet now, with only me and my trusted old baby. I remember feeding him all sorts of things locked with password and keeping it under some folders which I myself have no idea where it has gone to.

I shall write upon the word 'muchness'.

A lot came back to me when I came across this particular new vocabulary. The story depicted that as we grow up, we lose most of our muchness. It is so true when I looked back to how I was like last time. I, too was full of muchness some years way back, so much so that I remember telling my mom when I was 7 year old that I could get into a university at the age of 13. There were so many more dreams I had told myself that I would be able to achieve when I grew up.

I look into the mirror today, I look at the person who's staring back at me. Where are all your muchness S? they are just some sucky jobs that are not even close to what you want, and you can't get any of them. Why does everything seem so beyond me now? I wish I could find back the little girl that I have been suppressing for too long, and then allow her to relish every bit of life that she thinks she can conquer.

Sometimes I think I lost that girl because I kept trying to be someone else that I am not. In the midst of this conformity, there is still this little stubborn part of me which I can't change. It is this transitional period that I think I am stuck in for most of my life. As a result of that, I'm in a constant state of neither here nor there.

Have I really lost my muchness in this long term transitional stage? I need to find back that little girl.