trapped

exam's over.. my second year of uni is gone, it feels like it has passed in just a blink of eye.. i've read from somewhere, it says that as you grow older, a year to you would seem shorter to you compare to a year to a one-year-old.. it kinda makes more sense as i grew older.. i still remember when i was in primary school, in sec school.. a stage where i always wanted to grow up. especially during sec school when i had to greet my seniors whenever i see them, i always wanted to grow out of it and hav somebody to greet me instead.. and thinking that, i've even outgrown the senior status. wow.

ok. i digressed. i am supposed to write about 'trapped' as what the title says.

so. during the first sociology tutorial class, my tutor stepped in, and the first question he asked, 'do you ever feel trapped?' i don't know about the rest of the class, but i was blurred. Trapped?!? i remembered he asked those who feel trapped to raise their hands. i didn't cos i thought, why'd i be trapped? i do everything according to my will. he further explained, there are many unspoken rules that we have to live with in our lives, be it societal norms, school rules, family expectations, gender role and etc. and each of us is on a stage presenting out role out to the society. and that we are so good in our roles that we don't feel bounded at all, for example, something as minor as shaving armpit. there is no explicit rule that girls must shave their armpits but most of the girls do. why? cos the society thinks women should be presented without armpit hair. (yea, gross i know but that is the example i remember from the textbook LOL)


i believed i have always feel restrained in life, trapped in all kinds of expectations which sometimes it suffocates me. i didn't know it's the society power that make us do most of the things in our lives. i wasn't even aware that i was trapped. why did i not just stop studying after secondary school? i don't enjoy studying much anyway. why can't i enjoy school now? why does life get so difficult when we grow up? why do we have to work our ass off in the city while we can live comfortably in the villages? why do people even like their 9 to 11pm sunday to monday job? we are all trapped? why don't we just pull ourselves out of it?

wait, i think i can link the topic to what i wrote above. LOL. crappy writer. as i was saying, i am not ready to grow up yet. i rather go back to when i was a toddler, when i could be forgiven for not playing my role well. as i've grown up, my responsibilities grown out from just pleasing my parents and school teachers. I remember yearning independence cos i have overprotective parents. but now, i sometimes rather everything be taken care of. i don't need to worry i don't have enough money to survive, i don't need to worry i don't have a place to stay, i don't have to worry about what i have to do to secure me a good job in the future. it would be good, if i can just live for the present, not for the past, not for the future.

besides expectations of a 'secure' future( of which i am not very sure i want it because as far as i know, successful people with secure jobs practically work 24/7 besides sleeping eating and maybe shitting), expectations being a good daughter, good granddaughter, good cousin, good girlfriend, good best friend, good friends and etc can sometimes strain you out. but violating the expectations, u feel bad for them and for yourself. by not violating them, it means to be constantly playing your role on the stage and sometimes lost yourself in it.

anyways, i think i'm too free. yea i am indeed very free. i got nothing to do after exam and that makes me very restless .0_0 so restless that i decided to write essay, which, if u know me, i hate essays.