every morning there are these few precious mili seconds before reality set in before i remember who i am and where i am, then it would all came back. each day brings new revelations about myself, people and world. some good. but often not. some would even make me reconsider my entire existence. my naiveness, stupidity, sincerity, kindness, timidity, clumsiness and forgetfulness have in many ways condemn my competitiveness in the society. people around me closest to me, most all are good. or at least i believe so. i have my fair share of experience being deceived, played, fooled, looked down upon and despised by people i really like. sometimes it does hurt. but gradually it turned to disappointment, anger and finally just enlightenment. multi faceted, a new survivor skill. fake it or lose it. sometimes it really does sound sad. but truth is, lies, painful lies, made people close their doors. or, probably allow half open, just to allow enough interactions to keep survived. lies and truth. and white lies. beautiful lies. the grey area. blurred. sin? or probably not. and so i ask myself, to trust, or not to trust.