The road not taken

Yet, another call again. but this time, I turned them down. Not because I've already found a job that I want, but because till I find out what I want, I don't want to jump into anything again. last week, a job offer called, presenting me with a much better package in terms of paycheck. It didn't take much for me to brush it off, myself, my sister and my mother. I remembered how much I hated it when I was doing similar things some years back. But then after a few days, it hit me again, do I really not want that? Or I was just being afraid?

I read a lot lately about the importance of finding your passion in life. I watched Grey's Anatomy where people there are so in love with what they do. I talked to mer bout it and he said most real life people are like me the lost sheep who don't really know what they want, even when some appear to, even when some thought they do.

There's something a doctor said in the drama, 'so what if you don't know how you want to live your life. nobody does, and not everybody gets the chance. You have a life, and so GO live your life.'

I tried to imagine life 5 years later because they say when you don't know, just LOOK into the future. The thing is, what if u lose your ability to even imagine what you want to do?

The only comfort is, at least I don't see myself hating that job that I have accepted to guts. Well, not yet.

One last question, is that really so important?

Sorry for the rambling, I am in a deep state of confusion.

 

 

There's just so much we can do and don't do if we have the money, like that 400 dollars dress, it only takes a swipe of a card.

You might have known, I finally got my first offer at the 10th try. I've been really embarrassed by the fact that I had to go through so many interviews to get an offer which, is not that spectacular. But today I woke up feeling some sense of determination and pride. LOL. For all my life, I have always been the one who gives up easily, this time, I think I have broken some records. I got it and I will go get summore.

Has there ever been a day lately that I am truly happy? It's extremely quiet now, with only me and my trusted old baby. I remember feeding him all sorts of things locked with password and keeping it under some folders which I myself have no idea where it has gone to.

I shall write upon the word 'muchness'.

A lot came back to me when I came across this particular new vocabulary. The story depicted that as we grow up, we lose most of our muchness. It is so true when I looked back to how I was like last time. I, too was full of muchness some years way back, so much so that I remember telling my mom when I was 7 year old that I could get into a university at the age of 13. There were so many more dreams I had told myself that I would be able to achieve when I grew up.

I look into the mirror today, I look at the person who's staring back at me. Where are all your muchness S? they are just some sucky jobs that are not even close to what you want, and you can't get any of them. Why does everything seem so beyond me now? I wish I could find back the little girl that I have been suppressing for too long, and then allow her to relish every bit of life that she thinks she can conquer.

Sometimes I think I lost that girl because I kept trying to be someone else that I am not. In the midst of this conformity, there is still this little stubborn part of me which I can't change. It is this transitional period that I think I am stuck in for most of my life. As a result of that, I'm in a constant state of neither here nor there.

Have I really lost my muchness in this long term transitional stage? I need to find back that little girl.

Neither here, nor there

Sometimes, I just feel like I've been stuck in this self transformation mode for most of my life.