Has there ever been a day lately that I am truly happy? It's extremely quiet now, with only me and my trusted old baby. I remember feeding him all sorts of things locked with password and keeping it under some folders which I myself have no idea where it has gone to.

I shall write upon the word 'muchness'.

A lot came back to me when I came across this particular new vocabulary. The story depicted that as we grow up, we lose most of our muchness. It is so true when I looked back to how I was like last time. I, too was full of muchness some years way back, so much so that I remember telling my mom when I was 7 year old that I could get into a university at the age of 13. There were so many more dreams I had told myself that I would be able to achieve when I grew up.

I look into the mirror today, I look at the person who's staring back at me. Where are all your muchness S? they are just some sucky jobs that are not even close to what you want, and you can't get any of them. Why does everything seem so beyond me now? I wish I could find back the little girl that I have been suppressing for too long, and then allow her to relish every bit of life that she thinks she can conquer.

Sometimes I think I lost that girl because I kept trying to be someone else that I am not. In the midst of this conformity, there is still this little stubborn part of me which I can't change. It is this transitional period that I think I am stuck in for most of my life. As a result of that, I'm in a constant state of neither here nor there.

Have I really lost my muchness in this long term transitional stage? I need to find back that little girl.