saturday night in

There was this one fine day, a girl who spent her past 4 precious years doing her degree, with her fellow colls (one of them an uncle) were eating lunch at some restaurant...

uncle says: u know, i really don't believe in all those certs, what are those degrees and certs holders? the previous girl held an ACCA, so what?

the girl who spent her past 4 precious years doing her degree, under her breath, retorts: SO? like HELLO?! ppl move on la! but u're stuck here at 45 year old!

LOL okla that girl who spent some years getting her degree is me laa haha.. i think i'm getting more and more evil.

it's 1.10am now, and i'm still up working on my.. work.

i've been so living with the motion lately, most of the time, my mind just wanders off to one of those junctions. Sometimes i really do not know what am i doing. is it normal? to have so many things that you don't mind doing, some that you really hate doing but nothing practical that you really want to do?

in you i find my solace :)

omg i finally did it!

how how how??

been so long...

wooots! I'm back to the virtual world again. familiar much? haha..yes i stole that from taz la....

anyways i think i have a major update to do..

1. work hasn't been very exciting, and... nope shouldn't talk about work here.. zz

2. I am an official graduate :D:D

3. I went back to Ipoh last week, and it makes me realize how much i miss home and how much i love being fussed over by my parents:)

4. I got myself a new pair of specs. LOL! no kidding. my mom says: eat until so old then only become short sighted.

5. I spent more than 10% of my monthly pay on medical bills this month FML

6. I'll be on MC tomorrow and yes, am i glad that i got flu viral. :D

7. been procrastinating on my studies SO MUCH!

ok.. so this is it. every time i stop blogging for a while, my ability to write deteriorate. I can't make complete and cohesive sentence anymore.

hmmm.. do u wanna see me with my specs?

maybe next time heh!

Why is it so effing difficult to claim things when those things are yours in the first place? And it makes you seem like you’re begging for your money to be returned to you, EVERY FUCKING TIME.

bear with the pink background. I have been containing this recent pink fanatic in me for far too long.

My recent conversation with mom saddened me. Bonds that we would have never thought it would ever break, broke with not a single hope of mending back. Vengeance between parents and kids, brothers with sisters and relatives with relatives and generations with generations broke out like a fire in the bush.

I try to understand from my most rational and just Libran point of view, it all doesn't make sense. and i think it never will.

failed blog transformation

garrrrr this is so ugly :(

so anyways, I am stuck in somebody's house while he's happily getting his routine hair grooming now.

I am a working auntie now and work has not been satisfying at all :(. Dealing with mundane documentations every single day can really demoralise your spirits. Sometimes I looked back and tell myself, it was exactly what I wanted. A job without stress! but man! what a mistake!

Well, it's kind of comforting lol, to know that most of the people I know are complaining about their work. maybe now it's the only time when we really know that the route that we have chosen several years back might not be what we wanted after all.

I remember when I was little, when I still think very very mighty highly of myself, I would imagine myself in some sexy professional work wear, sitting in an office(instead of cubicles) immersing myself in work and have a great social life while earning enough to buy a house for myself by the age of 30. LOL. not really happening right? it's time for a backup plan.

depressing thoughts a side, guilty thoughts have been eating my conscience alive. I've been spending wayyyy too much lately. So much so that every time I buy something I have to hide inside my bag so that my scary sister don't interrogate me and release my conscience eating guilt to bury me alive. zz. and the worst thing is, my job doesn't really require me to dress up. LOL. damn. why is reality so much different from imaginations?

so yea, I'm officially left with nothing in my account and 100 dollars in my wallet until my next pay comes in 2 weeks time. If you love me, please make me stop.

next up, hmm, updates of my whereabouts?

1. have I not updated about my Bali short trip? it was a nice getaway, minus off the scalding hot sun, the pushy hawkers, and the dirty side of the beach. haha. yea so what are we left with? ah!! fuck cannot upload pictures!!! what have I done to my blogger.

haih. I will salvage this and come back to finish this post. DAMN!

1st day of work

There's really a reason why people call them killer heels. It hurt so much that you literally can't walk.

And yea, that's my impression of my 1^st day of work. Pain kills memory too.

As promised to bunny, I have to give an update before I start work so that she won't feel so bored at home. Bali was good, it's always good to take a break from the bustles, or rather, haha the lack of it, and bask in the sun of some ulu ground on the other side of the map. Am I even making sense? Nvm.. I want to post some pictures, but haih, I've wanted to change this blogskin for so long, it doesn't allow pictures on it. So anyways, just stick with this emo page until I finally am not so lazy.

So, tomorrow is the first day of work. I haven't really had the mood to work yet, I figured it must be the lack of tools I have for work. And the very tight budget that I have doesn't help too L

Here's the list of the very urgent stuffs I need to get.

1. Skincare, must remember to ask my sister to order before she leaves for home.
   
2. Belt, most of my bottoms are too loose, thanks to my very skinny frame.
   
3. A tumbler, been wanting to get that starbucks tumbler but am just too giam siap.
   
4. Shoes, I really can't wear that 3.5 inches to work.
   
5. And something I haven't been eating for months, or even years, breakfast.
   
6. Pencil skirt, every sexy OL needs one of those right? And it's so damn frustrating u can't get it anywhere, not to mention that tailored skirts that had gone to waste. GARRRR. I know this is a shopping list but I really want to vent it out, how effing difficult it is to tailor sth at least a little bit similar to what is shown on picture?? Stupid tailors.
   

Well, that's all, wish me luck bunny, and to my favorite mermaid, I love you. *big public confession* :P

The road not taken

Yet, another call again. but this time, I turned them down. Not because I've already found a job that I want, but because till I find out what I want, I don't want to jump into anything again. last week, a job offer called, presenting me with a much better package in terms of paycheck. It didn't take much for me to brush it off, myself, my sister and my mother. I remembered how much I hated it when I was doing similar things some years back. But then after a few days, it hit me again, do I really not want that? Or I was just being afraid?

I read a lot lately about the importance of finding your passion in life. I watched Grey's Anatomy where people there are so in love with what they do. I talked to mer bout it and he said most real life people are like me the lost sheep who don't really know what they want, even when some appear to, even when some thought they do.

There's something a doctor said in the drama, 'so what if you don't know how you want to live your life. nobody does, and not everybody gets the chance. You have a life, and so GO live your life.'

I tried to imagine life 5 years later because they say when you don't know, just LOOK into the future. The thing is, what if u lose your ability to even imagine what you want to do?

The only comfort is, at least I don't see myself hating that job that I have accepted to guts. Well, not yet.

One last question, is that really so important?

Sorry for the rambling, I am in a deep state of confusion.

 

 

There's just so much we can do and don't do if we have the money, like that 400 dollars dress, it only takes a swipe of a card.

You might have known, I finally got my first offer at the 10th try. I've been really embarrassed by the fact that I had to go through so many interviews to get an offer which, is not that spectacular. But today I woke up feeling some sense of determination and pride. LOL. For all my life, I have always been the one who gives up easily, this time, I think I have broken some records. I got it and I will go get summore.

Has there ever been a day lately that I am truly happy? It's extremely quiet now, with only me and my trusted old baby. I remember feeding him all sorts of things locked with password and keeping it under some folders which I myself have no idea where it has gone to.

I shall write upon the word 'muchness'.

A lot came back to me when I came across this particular new vocabulary. The story depicted that as we grow up, we lose most of our muchness. It is so true when I looked back to how I was like last time. I, too was full of muchness some years way back, so much so that I remember telling my mom when I was 7 year old that I could get into a university at the age of 13. There were so many more dreams I had told myself that I would be able to achieve when I grew up.

I look into the mirror today, I look at the person who's staring back at me. Where are all your muchness S? they are just some sucky jobs that are not even close to what you want, and you can't get any of them. Why does everything seem so beyond me now? I wish I could find back the little girl that I have been suppressing for too long, and then allow her to relish every bit of life that she thinks she can conquer.

Sometimes I think I lost that girl because I kept trying to be someone else that I am not. In the midst of this conformity, there is still this little stubborn part of me which I can't change. It is this transitional period that I think I am stuck in for most of my life. As a result of that, I'm in a constant state of neither here nor there.

Have I really lost my muchness in this long term transitional stage? I need to find back that little girl.

Neither here, nor there

Sometimes, I just feel like I've been stuck in this self transformation mode for most of my life.

7/20

Point to note: try to avoid any birds flying over your head, cos they might shit on your head, 2 hours before your interview.

7/20

This interview came with a bit of my usual comic act. The conversation went like this:

Lady: hello, this is geraldineee.. (notice the long eeee that she pulled) from XXX. are u free to talk now, u're not working or anything right?

Me: *thinking it's my classmate Geraldine* haha, hey, nolarr what's up?!

Lady: oh ok, I'm calling to refer to your application for marketing executive position in XXX. Would u be keen to have an interview with us?

Me: *stunned for few seconds thinking f**k did I just put my foot in my mouth again* hurhur.. yea of course!! Sure sure.. hurhurr…..(totally lost of words)

…

not cool(chew,2010).

6/20

Done.

Good points: I made a point that I love valuation and travelling which is what the job required.

Points to note:

1. Try not to say anything when they're looking through your transcript when your grades are not impressive, at all.
   
2. Common sense: just recall the basic knowledge that you've learnt within the job scope before interview-_-
   
3. Don't smile like an idiot.
   

Ok I think that's all. Wish me luck, fingers crossed.

6/20

Yesterday's interview was more like a chatting session, there's nothing stressful like the previous ones. The MD even said I look calm which, is very good for the job :D. But it's kinda hard to say if they would hire me because I realize I didn't really talk much about my strengths. Hmm.. gotta take note of that next time.

Anyways, yes, as the title goes, 6/20's coming up. And this is closest to my dream job. Wish me luck, again! J

5/20

Coming up. Wish me good luck! J

self note

Is this worse than dying?

No.

But it makes you feel like you're dying?

Yes.

But it's still not as bad as dying?

No.

So are u afraid of dying?

Yes.

Do u stop living just because u're afraid of dying?

No.

So this is not as bad as dying?

No.

So why are u so scared of carrying on?

I feel like I have been living days with a constant state of confusion. I must really pull myself together before I totally fall to the point of hopelessness. Days have been spent with a guilty lack of motivation of accomplishing the mundane tasks and at the same time the dreadful but crucial job search. I know eternal failure lies in the wake of constant lack of self confidence. But, the truth is, I am really scared of what's going to happen and what's not. I know it's not healthy to always think of how I always do things unprepared and ended up failing everything. And feeling constantly sinking while losing the lifeboat and left to struggle helpless for my life in the deep blue ocean. Dreams have been blurred just like how they always have been when u have to stand up to your decision. Confidence crept away while courage is gone. The combination of these will only bring about more than just mere physiological damage. Things will look up, I pray.

Sorry

You mean the world to me.

3/20

I just completed the third interview and of course, I didn't pass that but hey, as the title says, I'm only 2/30 through the whole interview thingy. Although I do feel a little sad about this, I am not entirely bitter partly because I know I have improved, slow but steady J

The interviewers today were sharp but they were very nice. I got a shock when she said, oh I learn that u do have a blogshop right? :s All in all, besides telling me quite straight-forwardly they wont hire me lol, they really did tell me what went wrong which I'm taking it surprisingly positively.

So points to note:

1. Be really well prepared and be able to really say out what does the company do.
   
2. A leasing/ marketing executive needs to be constantly hungry (well, not literally of course)
   
3. A leasing marketer needs to be analytical, good with numbers, and erm hungry.
   
4. Can't tell them I'm not actively looking for a job. Actually I am actively looking for a job, it beats the hell out of me the things that I say sometimes.
   
5. Be hungry
   
6. Can't tell them the rest of the things that you are occupied with.
   
7. Be confident.
   

Ok, that's all. One thing I still don't understand, how did she know I had a blogshop??

What ifs?

There are so many what ifs in my life right now. Some are past tense, some are very present while some are not far away in the future. They have been existent all this while but lately, dealing with all these questions has become really daunting.

Graduation is just 2 months away, I've never been so dreaded to move on to the next stage of my life before. Sometimes I feel that the little girl within me helplessly screams 'help me!' in hope that someone might come by to guide her steps by steps

. The rational side of me knows that that is not going to happen.

And so I told myself to just live, because there are too many what ifs in life to be cared less about.

What happens next?

Tell me I’ll be alright:(

Be be assertive!

Cognitive dissonance

Do you guys know what is sooooo depressing about going to travel?? It is to come back and face the enormous pile of shit work that is waiting for you, smiling ever evilly.

Bangkok was great. Shopping in Bangkok is breathtaking (because you will go, gasp! Omg this is soooo cheapppppppp!) sighs, it's actually not so cheap when u add up your total expenses of a trip.

Time to get back to work. Piles of shit work await!

The Hard Facts of Life

There are a few kinds of husbands that can really bring a woman to the brim of sufferings. First is the kind who find it's perfectly alright for him to marry a second wife, and then completely ignore the fact that the first wife whom he has spent more than half a century with, borne 10 children with him, accepted that his second family, took care of his daily needs till these days, AND STILL blame the first wife for creating dramas in the family. The result? Children with their spouses and EVEN THE MAID can bully this lady of 80 odd years old.

The second kind is what people called the perfect chauvinist, who thinks it is of law of nature that women should take care of ALL ASPECTS of the family, especially those concerning the kids. IT MADE MY BLOOD BOILS, when the pregnant wife had to tend to all 3 screaming kids, one of them puking, while the father, slept like a pig even when outsiders asked him to help out his PREGNANT WIFE -_-

The third kind is the kind who abandoned his wife at her most difficult time, or anytime at all. What happens to being a faithful partner in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad, and in joy as well as in sorrow?

As to describe the women, there are really 2 schools of thoughts. Silly? Or, steadfast?

And lastly, albeit alil irrelevant, My self-chant: I'm beautiful, I got nice legs and I am gonna get a decent job! J

failure

'And so rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.' JK Rowling

my pibbit

do u all know how cute it used to look like??

i'm such a lousy mommy

:(

Fightingg..

Today I woke up feeling good about myself. Although my case study is facing a lot of troubles now that I can't get the core element for the project, I'm happy that I finally got the heart to work for my own good.

I emailed my prof, emailed the Reflections for information, wrote out my CV, applied for a few jobs, asked ppl back for my money (although they refused to reply, it's ok, they owe me through CNY they will be poor forever!), and I found out a way(probably not very good way) to sell out my stocks!

Things are good, especially when he's happy J

Jobwoes

I'd always hear people say if they are ever given a chance to undo or change anything they want in the past, they would choose not to. I've always wonder really??? cos there are so many things I want to undo or change in the past. If I ever get the chance to change anything at all, I will. I will tell myself and tell him to work harder, to do more, or do make any amends at all that would prevent all this unnecessary stress and heartaches.

Things will look up, I pray.

Blogging bug strikes

Why is everybody so glooooooom lately???? If there's anyone who should be feeling gloooomy, it should be me right?! I haven't even gotten my CV out, oh wait CV is prolly secondary. I HAVEN'T actually have a clear idea of how I am gonna do my case study!!! -____-

Teacher said it's better to list out the things you wanna do so you will actually get it done.

1. Finish my poor bf's birthday present which was supposed to be sent Jan 9.
   
2. Write out my CV
   
3. Case study.casestudycasestudycasestudy!!!!!
   
4. SEND OUT SOME JOB APPLICATION! Everybody is going for job interviews -.-
   

Wow… only 4 in the list, can be done J

BKK awaits! Woots!

I'm still living on my 2 millions dream. How ar??

If I have 2 million dollars

Remember the dream that I mentioned earlier? it's actually about me striking 2 million dollars on Toto. I'm actually quite worried about mentioning it here because, you know what they say about things wont come true especially when you say it too many times? Well, nevermind. Since I'm too free and in the mood, I'll say it anyways. I've been thinking about it really seriously of how am I gonna spend that 2 million dollars. Lol. I can imagine u people who are reading this roll their eyes 720 degrees (Chew, 2009) ahhaaa… not funny I know. But here's the list.

1. I'm gonna give my parents 0.5 million for them to pay for my bro's tuition fee and do whatever they like.
   
2. I'm gonna buy a condo near ECP and hire an interior designer to design it just the way I like it (oh, maybe I'll do a special post just on that)
   
3. Well, as a real estate half professional, of course I'll buy a HDB to rent it out (Value investing)
   
4. Do a plastic surgery. (seriously)
   
5. IPL for some-of-u-might-know-where
   
6. Oh some money for my sister's shopaholic's crave.
   
7. Pay for her plastic surgery too. Lol
   
8. Our grad trip J maybe can stay Hilton everywhere we go.
   
9. My parent's Europe trip! Since I'd have gone to my grad trip alr, I'll plan a detailed one for them heh!
   
10. Oh, and of cos expand my business plan or Mer's bak chor mee stall. That I have a detailed plan too!
    

Hmm, I wonder if 2 million is enough. Oh, I should buy some shares too if I have some money left right? What will you do if you've got 2 million??

helplessness

At times like this, you feel like you're combating this alone and that you just hate yourself more for your incapability. It would be better if I could live that dream that I just had.

Pursuing some dreams

There are certain types of people that we happen to see on the bus, on the train, on the street or in the café that would give us a sudden jolt back to memory of the past. Today I saw a very happy family on the train, they reminded me of the ex-colleagues. Sometimes I wonder why something happened and the others did not. The realization brought a smile to my face. Everything happens for a reason.

There are a lot of things that I dislike about myself. One of them is procrastination. I often find myself feeling so sick about what I am doing that I can't bring myself to do anything else. Is it because we are all living the lives that we are forced to live? Sometimes I wish I can irritate myself less.

Oh, and we need to write essay to apply for a job nowadays. I chose the topic 'do we always have to be ourselves?'

Well, I'll take a very definite 'NO' on this. J

Memory of a goldfish

As you may have known, I do not have a very good memory. So much so that I pissed a lot of people off, well myself mostly.

So today, I forgot a password that I've set for a very important account just few days ago. FML.

Am feeling extremely demotivated now L

Can anyone tell me what do I do when my supervisor didn't reply me after I sent him my Chap 1 draft? Should I just carry on or wait for him to give me a headstart?

-___-

Bizarre

There must be 1000 things running in my mind right now, so much so that I forgot how to unlock my house door. No, I'm not kidding. I forgot which way to turn my key, turned paranoid, and came out with following conclusions:

1. The house is possessed.
   
2. The house is held hostage by some universal soldiers.
   
3. My landlords finally got tired of me and want me out.
   
4. The door knob or my key is spoilt.
   

So, I called my sister and my landlords. Naturally, they were totally dumbfounded. LOL. 'hellodanidunnowhyicantunlockmydoor!' 'HAR?!' ahahhahha. I'm so gonna act blur when they ask me what happened later.

All the career talks, mid-hanging blogshop and my headless case study are draining me out. And not to mention, there seemed endless bickers with him. I've never known the stubborn side of me until I met him.

Oh, CNY is around the corner! I dunno if it's just me. I don't feel the hype to buy any new clothes. Yet. Oh wait, I did buy a pair of sandals and a bag, which I'm contemplating whether to wait till CNY. Do we really have to use new things during CNY. Hmmmm…

important lesson

while it's very exciting to set up your own business when everyone tells you it's super easy and that they can easily provide u help...

but whaaamz! suddenly everyone backs out, every littlest thing starts to go wrong and u go

WTF are we doing?

that's when you realise you really can't count on the uncountable factors before you get them sorted out first.

and isn't it irritating that we have to do a final year project?? can't we just graduate like that -__-

I love REAL ESTATE! and my one and only professor. oh btw, it's a love-intimidating affair between me and him :D

That picture

It's only second week of school and I'm already feeling damn jaded. The career fair organized by the school is supposed to provide opportunities for the bright shooting stars but also a reality check of those-me who don't really fit into the picture.

Sometimes I really do not know how to expect of you. I hate it when I act like any other girl; I hate it more when I'm different from any other girl.

I've sworn to become a better person in this New Year, a person who sees glass as a fraction filled, a person who knows what she wants, and a person who fits into that picture.

Today, is one of those very few days that I make effort to catch up with my good old buddy. It's funny why I've been feeling out of place lately, cos it's when I remember how perfectly natural it was for me to be me.

I haven't updated since the last decade, literally. To my most avid readers, whom I totally know who are you, haha, I'm so sorry. I've been detached from the sucky cruel actuality. So, maybe I should start by saying happy new year! Welcome to the year of closure and also the beginning. Ahem. :s

Have met way too many unfortunate events lately that I think this year is gonna be a bad year for me. it started on last Thursday, I went to check my account balance of my ATM machine, note: CHECK, wasn't even gonna withdraw any money. Then after I see that my mom's cheque was in, I exited the main menu, and wanted to get my cards back. It hanged. How frequent on earth that an ATM machine hang? Then after a few buttons, it made some weird crunching noise, and dang! Your card has been retained.

wtf! I called OCBC Singapore,

'we are so sorry about that, but we can't do anything for you. You can try calling OCBC Malaysia to check your card status.'

Ok, so I called OCBC KL,

'I see, yea your card PROBABLY have been destroyed. However, you may call OCBC Singapore to ask if they can make a replacement card for you.'

And so I called OCBC Singapore again, fuming.

'I'm so sorry mam, I'm afraid we can't do anything for you, I'm so sorry that you have to go through so much inconveniences, but you really have to go back to Malaysia and get a card replacement or CALL OCBC MALAYSIA AGAIN AND SEE WHAT THEY CAN DO FOR YOU.'

'SO EVEN THOUGH IT'S TOTALLY NOT MY FAULT THAT YOUR MACHINE ATE MY CARD, EVEN THOUGH YOU'VE MADE ME CALLED BACK AND FRO SO MANY TIMES, EVEN THOUGH I TOLD YOU MANY TIMES THAT I WON'T GO BACK TO MALAYSIA ANYTIME SOON, YOU CAN'T MADE ANY ARRANGEMENT TO HELP ME WITH THIS MATTER?'

'that's correct mam, we are so sorry for all the inconveniences mam.'

IDIOTS!

And that was one of the very few times that I screamed to a customer officer -.-

Oh and I called Malaysia 2 more times that day, and surprisingly, Malaysian customer service was so much better than Singaporeans. At least they really did bother to check and offer some suggestions.

Then it was Friday, I went to develop photos at 12noon, which I double, triple, quadruple checked with the sales girl that I could collect it 3 hours later.

At 3pm, I walked in, showed her the receipt. I was talking to Nor at tht time.

She threw the receipt back on the table, 'you should get it at 7pm'

I ended my conversation and looked at her incredulously.

'What's wrong?'

'you said I could collect in 3 hours!'

'no I said 3 to 4 hours, you came at 12 sth right, so come back at 7pm!'

'3 TO 4 HOURS IS SO NOT 7PM!'

After being screamed at, she went to check at that pile of photos and they were just lying on the photo printing machine. I seriously think the only way to get things done in Singapore is to scream at them. It acts as a stimulus for them to get their work done.

Then, comes depressing Sunday when I failed the biggest interview of my life.

Depressing as it is, life goes on. Tons of work are waiting…